This’ still weighing on my mind/heart even after so fucking long… and I’d thought I’m stronger than this. I feel so sad whenever I’m reminded of it / I think about it, the pangs of sadness have been coming even more frequently these days. Why, why, why, why can’t I do this. Simple in theory, fucking difficult in practice. It’s a quiet heaviness this time, so different from the previous times, like I need a good cry to get it off my chest but I’m disallowing myself to do so. Because, I can’t afford to be any more vulnerable. I want these negative thoughts to disappear because they have already begun to take bites out of me, big bites, chunks. I don’t understand how something originating from myself can be so vicious towards me, my own thoughts are gnawing at me, my own mind is attempting to swallow me whole.

Fuck. I shall go listen to The XX.


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