(and it’s better this time than i’ve ever known)

what a fantasy, eh. pity it’s a little too far out of my reach at the moment. school is fucking with my head, i keep thinking, ok yes i can do this i will do this i must do this, but i keep feeling like giving up. i need to want to stay, and i want to want to work hard. also i believed that the more time i spend here the less inclined i will be to leave / the more reason i will have to stay, but — eh, that doesn’t seem to be happening. and it’s a curious thing, being in my position, watching all you guys being so passionate and enthusiastic about what you’re learning, while i myself am so far removed from this ‘love’ for / ‘interest’ in law. how do you guys do it? when will it be my turn to be part of such a group, to finally stop watching from the sidelines? i want to play the game too. i want to be ‘in it’ and not be perpetually restless and lost.

am listening to Foster and, i think it’s a good thing i’ve ‘discovered’ them, because their music calms me down, ‘speaks to me’, and generally makes me happier or at least less sad. seeing them this saturday and i hope we all have an awesome time, whee. (:

also i think it’s a good time to say this here: i’m so glad [this] is happening, i mean i may not show it well or at all but i really am grateful for this shot, because the past few ones were so terrible and almost toxic they made me pretty much lose faith in this and in myself. and now it’s like you have scooped me out of a long nightmare, and let me finally start a good dream, with you, and experience something nice. [this] is good. i like it. i like you. you make me like myself. all’s good. (: thank you.

ok bye back to readings.


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